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There wasn't really very interesting
about Sam other then the fact that he was missing part of his ring
finger on his right hand. It didn't give him any problems though and
people generally didn't notice unless he pointed it out but it did
make him feel somewhat inferior. What was extraordinary about Sam was
the fact that his cat was the Messiah.

 

It wasn't simply the fact that he often
called his cat Jesus—that was just a mere coincidence. His cat was
the actual second coming of God in feline form complete with the
virgin birth, three wise men, the wedding in Cana and even walking on
water. Of course as you might imagine there is a slight problem with
the miracle of the loaves and fishes but that is simply a matter of
detail that can be quietly burnished by a century or two.

 

Now some people are often skeptical of
this claim and when I tell the story they're like 'you don't know
anything—you're just a cat named Paul' but from what I understand
Saint Paul was some kind of bastard in the sense that he was really
badass but then I remember that only G-d knows who the real saints
are and our efforts at identifying them is just a wild guess.

 

And of course it was a good thing to
have a pet that happened to be the actual son of man as a housecat.
From the day the little fuzzy prince of peace was found mewing under
Sam's car things began to change for him. Sam was so smitten he took
Jesus home and convinced his skeptical landlord to allow cats just
this one time. Sam took several days off from work to make sure his
newfound savior was well adjusted in his new home.

 

One day Jesus told Sam who he was. “You
know that I was put here to obtain forgiveness for your sins.”

 

“What sins?” Sam asked. “I don't
recall doing anything bad. How can I be guilty of sin?”

 

“Not just the sins you have already
committed. I can forgive the sins that lie in your future.”

 

“But what if I don't commit sins in
the future?”

 

“What kind of man are you? Do you not
at some time in your life feel selfish? Maybe have a wave of lust for
that young woman who lives down the hall when you get a glimpse of
her body when she forgot to close the curtains?”

 

“How did you know that I saw her
today?”

 

“Because I come directly from the
Father and I wish to show you the way to Heaven.”

 

“Ha!” Sam scoffed. “You make it
sound so easy. What if I am always plagued with these lustful
thoughts. You going to forgive that, too?”

 

“Her name is Nancy. You should take
laundry down to wash for the next three days. There you will find her
also doing laundry, but she will not speak for three days. On the
third day she will introduce herself to you.”

 

So Sam followed his cat's instructions
and took his laundry downstairs where he found Nancy emptying a
dryer. She left before he could speak to her. The next day when he
went down, the room was empty and she came in just as he was leaving.
Meanwhile the cat that was the Messiah slipped out of the window,
went down to the temple and chased out the moneylenders.

 

Of course Sam and Nancy got married and
she was also somewhat skeptical about Sam's cat being the Son of Man
but then he performed the miracle that allowed Sam to grow his finger
back. This, of course proved to be one of the first miracles that
eventually garnered media attention. Things kinda went downhill from
there and eventually Jesus got an urge to ride a donkey but being a
cat in modern times he ended up on a skateboard instead.

 

Cats and skateboards generally don't
work well together.